


Undocumented

by Coriaria



Series: Displaced [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU - refugee camp, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Archaeology, Doctor Sirius Black, Fatal car accident, M/M, Medical Situations, Motorcycles, Photojournalist Remus Lupin, Pining, Swearing, but not any of the named characters I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26916370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coriaria/pseuds/Coriaria
Summary: He’d swanned into Sirius’s life at Christmas, photographing life at the refugee camp during the day and slipping into Sirius’s bed at night. Then, just before New Year, he’d left without a word. Now, just when Sirius was once again struggling to put the man out of his mind, there was Remus Lupin.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Displaced [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963927
Comments: 28
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This fic discusses the kind of situations which might be faced by a doctor working for Médecins sans Frontières.

Sirius Black crouched under the flimsy table, watching Mahdi, a local doctor, sheltering under a hospital trolley a few feet away.

“Don’t know why we’re bothering to hide under here,” Fenno grumbled beside him. “If the roof comes down there’s no way this pathetic piece of formica will save us.”

He was pretending to be annoyed, but Sirius knew that Fenno was terrified. The burly Australian, who’d been a psychiatric nurse before he’d joined Médecins Sans Frontières, had never experienced shelling before. Sirius, who had seen much worse in Yemen, knew that the shelling was mostly too far away to do any harm. He took the battle-scarred local doctor as a good indicator. If he didn’t look concerned, Sirius wasn’t going to waste any energy worrying. Mahdi had clearly been in some rough situations – he limped around on a battered prosthetic leg and Sirius had also realised after a couple of days that one of his eyes was made of glass. It matched the intense brown of his good eye perfectly, but, disconcertingly, never moved.

Then there was a much closer explosion.

“JESUS, FUCK,” Fenno swore as a few pieces of ceiling landed on the table and on the ground in front of them.

“That, my friend,” Sirius said, putting a steadying hand on Fenno’s shoulder, “is why we are under this table. It won’t save us if the whole building goes, but it will save you from getting concussion from a lump of plaster landing on your head.”

He looked across at Mahdi, who gave him a grin and a shrug then glanced at Fenno and rolled his eyes. Sirius gave him a grin and a shrug back, reassured that he’d won the man’s approval by staying calm. When they’d first turned up, the doctor had been politely grateful for the support, but a little wary. He was older than Sirius and Fenno – possibly both of them put together – and very competent and experienced. He’d clearly seen them as naïve, not really understanding what it was like trying to run a hospital under fire, in fact he’d as much as said so. Sirius had been trying to gain his trust without apparent success. Now, it seems like a couple of hours huddled under furniture had done more to convince him than the previous two days of working side by side. 

Sirius and Fenno weren’t even supposed to be in Syria, but while the area was technically part of the country, it was under Kurdish control. The local authorities had sent the request for help, saying that the situation in the area had stabilised, although that information was clearly optimistic. Still, Sirius would probably have gone anyway – the hospital was desperate for supplies and Sirius had a tendency to say yes and worry about the details later. They’d stocked up a vehicle and headed north, stopping along the way to vaccinate children and deliver a few necessities to local medical staff, who kept on caring for people despite all that was going on around them.

Sirius had been glad to have Fenno with him on his first visit to Syria. The Australian nurse, whose name was Ben Fenwick although nobody called him that, was a useful colleague – endlessly patient with people in distress and fluent in Arabic courtesy of his Lebanese mother. Neither was a strength for Sirius, but he had his own skills, and they worked well together.

When they visited a village, Sirius played football with the boys and Fenno was a magnet for the small children, who seemed drawn to his combination of strength and gentleness. Because the small children liked him, the women seemed to respond better to Fenno, while the men talked more to Sirius.

They’d made a good team, but there was something about watching Fenno that had nagged at Sirius for the first few days. It was only when he’d watched him patiently conversing with an injured child that Sirius realised what it was. Fenno reminded him of someone, in the way he seemed to fold his large body into a small space to make himself unthreatening, with strong hands cradling the girl gently and soft words that reassured the anxious parents.

Remus Bloody Lupin.

He’d swanned into Sirius’s life at Christmas, photographing life at the refugee camp during the day and slipping into Sirius’s bed at night. Then, just before New Year, he’d left without a word. Sirius hadn’t been able to get him off his mind since.

The camp staff had a name for him, Sirius had discovered – _Lone wolf Lupin_. He’d turn up, talk to the locals, take his pictures, and leave. He was friendly towards the camp staff, but never _friends_. He spent more time with the refugees, playing football with the kids, or just sitting and talking with them, and, of course, taking photographs. He’d sometimes join the staff for a drink or a meal, but he skilfully avoided revealing much of himself. They weren’t sure where he came from or where he went, how many languages he spoke or what he did with his spare time, if he had any.

None of the camp staff mentioned him sharing their bed, and Sirius wondered if that meant he was special, or if that was just something that nobody spoke of.

Sirius knew that it was pointless to pine after Lupin, but that didn’t stop him. Lupin was just his type – quick-witted and clever, attractive but oblivious to it, emotionally distant. Sirius also knew exactly how things would go between the two of them. Sirius would fall hard and fast, and become clingy. Lupin would back away, prompting Sirius to become even more clingy. As Sirius became more needy, Lupin would become more distant, until things would spiral into some kind of crisis and one, or both, would say or do something awful enough that the relationship could not be fixed. Lily would be kind but look disappointed in him. James would get angry and threaten to punch Lupin for hurting Sirius. And Sirius would slowly pick up the pieces and pull himself back together until the next time.

Together, they’d be a slow-motion train wreck, and Sirius knew it. He’d done his best to put Lupin out of his mind and he had thought he was getting better, but travelling with Fenno had brought everything back.

The shelling appeared to be getting less frequent and further away, and Sirius made eye contact with Mahdi. Following his lead, Sirius shuffled sideways from where he was crouched under the table and uncurled his body. Fenno looked at him warily for a few moments, then did the same, eyes glancing around nervously.

“Alright, mate?” Sirius said, a hand on Fenno’s shoulder.

Fenno took a couple of breaths, obviously steadying himself.

“Yeah, think so. Just… don’t know how in hell you stay so calm.”

“Yemen, remember? Had two years of this.”

“Yeah, no, that doesn’t convince me. Wasn’t the hospital you worked at destroyed? Would have thought you’d be worse after that.”

“Wasn’t in it at the time,” Sirius said with a shrug.

He turned away from Fenno and back to Mahdi, who had picked up the walking stick he used sometimes and was checking equipment, while a couple of other local staff swept up plaster fragments. While what he’d said to Fenno was, technically, true, there was rather more to it, and Sirius had no intention of letting on. It was true that the shelling didn’t bother him that much – he’d had plenty of practice in knowing when it was dangerous and when it wasn’t. But Sirius was also a master at appearing calm when he wasn’t, and very few people ever noticed what was underneath.

It was only a matter of minutes before there was shouting outside and Mahdi was beside him, placing an arm around his shoulders in the way that men seemed to do so casually there.

“ _Amade ne_?” he said – _are you ready_? – the first time he’d actually spoken to Sirius in Kurdish instead of his flawless English, despite Sirius’s regular attempts to use the local language.

“ _Erê_ ,” Sirius said, nodding. “ _Ez amade me_.”

“ _Hevalê te baş e_?” he said, with a nod towards Fenno.

Sirius paused for a moment, uncertain how to respond. Would Fenno be alright when the wounded poured in? It was hardly his area of expertise.

“ _Hevalê min_ … this kind of thing, it’s not… not really his area. Maybe… what he does best is people who are really upset. He’d be good at stopping family and friends getting in the way.”

Mahdi patted Sirius on the back and limped over to one of the other nurses, speaking in rapid Kurdish which Sirius had no hope of understanding. The nurse nodded and went over to Fenno, just as the first patients came through the doors. One was screaming, the other silent, both covered in blood. Sirius and Mahdi exchanged a glance and began with the silent patient.


	2. Chapter 2

Adrenalin carried Sirius through the next few hours, the blood and broken bones, the screaming, the shrapnel, the human bodies that clung to life despite being more damaged than intact. Sirius and Mahdi worked together or separately as needed, understanding each other with barely a word.

The local staff knew exactly what they were doing, following Mahdi’s terse direction, keeping the patients moving through as they were patched up. Sirius kept one eye on Fenno, but was reassured to see that he was fine. He kept back anyone who was more hindrance than help, voice never never much louder than a whisper, but somehow carrying through to where it was needed.

Sirius was stitching up a messy, but not dangerous, wound on a man’s arm when he noticed Fenno speaking to someone in English instead of Arabic or Kurmanji. He glanced up, able to spare a fragment of his attention now that they were down to treating minor injuries. Sirius couldn’t see the man’s face, as Fenno blocked his view, but he felt a jolt of recognition the moment he saw the curve of his shoulders and the vest which carried his camera gear.

Just when Sirius was struggling to put the man out of his mind again, there was Remus Lupin.

The conversation was too quiet for him to make out more than a few words, but, as far as he could tell, the tone seemed friendly. Fenno had his hands in his pockets, slouching slightly, and seemed to be doing most of the talking. He was speaking more loudly than Lupin, and Sirius heard words like “shelling” and “ceiling” – evidently he was telling Lupin about their experience earlier that day. Sirius was sure that Lupin had seen it all before.

Then Fenno shifted slightly, and Sirius could see Lupin’s face. The expression barely shifted as their eyes met, and Sirius knew that Lupin had already spotted him. He gave a smile and a nod, and Lupin gave a faint smile back and then his eyes were scanning the room and very much _not_ looking at Sirius.

He felt a bubble of anger rise up inside him. So Lupin was just going to pretend there had never been anything between them, was he? It made Sirius want to march up to the man and do something silly like kiss him, although he knew he never would – not in this region, where he was never quite sure how much he could safely reveal of himself, and not in a workplace, where he always had to appear in control.

Swallowing his anger, Sirius returned to his stitching, and didn’t raise his eyes again until the man’s arm had been neatly sewn back together. Then he gave a quick glance up and scanned the room for Lupin. Now, he was talking to Mahdi, his back to Sirius. They weren’t speaking English. Mahdi was smiling more than he had the whole time Sirius and Fenno had been there. Sirius felt another bubble of anger. _Of course_ Lupin knew Mahdi. And _of course_ Madhi didn’t think Lupin was some naïve rich kid with a saviour complex. And _of course_ Lupin threw an arm around Mahdi’s shoulder and _laughed_ at something he’d said, probably about Sirius and Fenno.

Sirius knew that he was being unreasonable. He had no reason to think either Lupin or Madhi would laugh at him, and he had no reason to be jealous of the attention Madhi paid Lupin, or the attention Lupin paid Madhi. But feelings are feelings, as James always use to say. You can’t help what you feel. All you can do is help how you act on them.

He stood up, briefly pressing one hand the the good shoulder of the man he’d been stitching, before he walked across to where Lupin and Madhi were speaking, head held high.

“Remus Lupin,” he said offering his hand, “fancy seeing you here.”

“Hello, Sirius,” Lupin replied, his smile uncertain but with more warmth in his tone than Sirius had expected. “I could say the same. I didn’t know MSF was working in Syria.”

Sirius shrugged.

“Without borders, remember?”

Mahdi laughed and, as quickly as it had flared up, Sirius felt his anger fade.

“Sirius and Fenno brought supplies for us,” Madhi said. “I promised it would be safe. I thought we’d got rid of those bastards, but you know how things are.”

“Well, no harm done,” Sirius said.

“Sirius was in Yemen for a couple of years,” Lupin said. “Used to this. Probably got nostalgic.”

Madhi glanced at Lupin for a moment, then laughed again.

“So, you boys know each other. You know, you should come to dinner. Come to my sister’s place after this, tonight. Bring your friend. Poor boy’s had a rough day.”

Mahdi had his arm around Sirius’s shoulder again, then called out to Fenno, who strolled over looking as though nothing had happened. 

“Sorry about the firework display early, _kur_ ,” Madhi said.

Fenno shrugged.

“Yeah, no worries.”

Madhi shook his head and laughed.

“Come to dinner, yes?”

Fenno glanced at Sirius before giving a nod in reply. Sirius swallowed his apprehension. Finally, Madhi was being friendly and acting as if he was glad that they were there. And now Sirius had to spend the evening _not_ staring at Lupin, not the curve of his throat, nor his hazel eyes that seemed to glow gold in the light, nor the scar that ran down to the top of his upper lip. He didn't stand a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _kur_ \- boy, sometimes used as an address from an older man to a younger man


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter describes a car accident in which someone is killed.

The evening had been so much better than Sirius had expected, until it wasn’t. 

They’d walked together to Mahdi’s sister’s house where, as far as Sirius could tell, Mahdi also lived. As soon as they’d arrived, Lupin had been set upon by children, at least five that Sirius saw, although he thought there might have been one or two others who were hiding in the kitchen. Clearly, Lupin was a regular visitor. The children had demanded to use one of his cameras to take pictures of each other, then Fenno was quickly dragged in and began making silly faces for the camera. The children would yell “ _bişirîn, bişirîn_ ” and then Fenno would do everything _except_ smile, while the children squealed with laughter then yelled “ _bişirîn_ ” again.

Mahdi had disappeared to get changed, his sister appeared to be cooking, and since Fenno was thoroughly occupied entertaining the children, Sirius was left making awkward small talk with Lupin.

“So, how’ve you been?”

Lupin shrugged.

“Alright, I suppose. Same as ever. You?”

Sirius wasn’t going to say that he’d spent the best part of five months pining after Lupin.

“Fine. Busy, but not like Yemen. Nobody’s tried to blow up the camp.”

“Getting bored, are you? Is that why you decided on a holiday in sunny Syria?”

Sirius shook his head.

“I’ve enjoyed the camp, really. Well, enjoyed isn’t the right word… it’s been good though. Good people. They… well, they’ve been through so much, but their resilience is…”

Sirius paused. He couldn’t quite explain what it was about the people who came to the camp which had so affected him. Many were traumatised, and it showed, but they kept going.

“They know what’s important,” Lupin said, looking away from Sirius and speaking softly. “They keep focused on that when everything turns to shit, and it gets them through.”

Sirius nodded. Lupin was right. Most of the people had lost parents, spouses, siblings, children – so many losses. But they clung to what they had, caring for those that they had left and taking comfort that one day they’d be joining their loved ones again, when they died. It almost made Sirius wish he was religious. He’d thought that his parents’ public piety had put him off religion for life, but there was something in the quiet certainty of so many of the refugees which made him think again. He knew, though, that if he scratched under the surface, he’d find it wasn’t quite that simple. In his experience, the more religious people were, the less tolerance they had for people like him and Lupin. And, of course, all the atrocities that had been committed on the refugees have been done in the name of religion as well.

“So, what have you been up to?” he asked, shifting the conversation before he started on a philosophical ramble. “Where did you disappear to? You left very suddenly.”

Lupin glanced at him, face guarded. Sirius wanted to kick himself. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t mention Lupin’s sudden, unannounced departure. He certainly wasn’t going to let on how much it had hurt.

“Around… you know. I never stay in one place very long.”

There was an uncomfortable silence as Sirius tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t make him look like an idiot who’d spent months pining over a man who’d made it very clear he didn’t do relationships.

“It’s been warm lately,” he said, and immediately wanted to kick himself again.

Lupin gave him another glance, as if he couldn’t quite believe that Sirius had decided to talk about the weather. He held Sirius's gaze for a few moments, before letting him off the hook.

“Yeah, I love this time of year here. Enjoy it while it lasts. It will stay pleasant for another few weeks and then July and August will be scorching. It’ll be worse than Yemen, because it’s so far inland.”

To Sirius’s relief, the conversation was interrupted by a couple of the children, who ran over to Lupin and demanded his attention. They began showing him the photos they’d taken of Fenno, flicking through image after image on the small screen at the back of the camera. Once Lupin had admired them, the children shoved the camera at Sirius. Fenno looked like an idiot in almost all of them, and Sirius found himself laughing, despite his discomfort at making an idiot of himself in front of Lupin.

“Any chance I can get a few of these from you?” he said to Lupin once the kids had gone back to their game. “The kids back at the camp would love to see them.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Lupin replied, watching as Mahdi appeared and the children began to take pictures of him.

“You seem pretty relaxed about them having one of your cameras. Aren’t you worried they’ll break it?”

The floors were tile. Sirius knew, to his cost, after dropping his cellphone on the floor in his Yemen apartment, that tiles were not good for fragile electronics.

“They’re pretty careful, really. And that’s not a good camera, just a cheap, old one I keep for this kind of thing. It’s a lot easier to persuade people to let you take their picture if they can take yours as well.”

“And nobody’s tried to nick it?”

“Once or twice. More often it gets damaged accidentally. Then I just buy another cheap secondhand one. Not going to give them anything I can’t afford to lose.”

Sirius nodded.

“There are a lot of kids here. Are they all one family? Mahdi’s sister doesn’t seem…”

She’d only appeared for a moment, but Mahdi’s sister had seemed too old to have children as young as these. He wasn’t sure if the youngest was even school-aged.

“One family, mostly, but in the broad sense. The little boy’s Mahdi’s grandson, the other little ones are his sister’s grandchildren. The eldest, that’s the girl who peered around the door when we arrived and then disappeared again is her youngest daughter. The others are mostly nieces and nephews. A lot of fighting-aged adults have been killed or badly disabled.”

Sirius swallowed at the reminder of where he was and the reality of life in this place. Being in a home with a lively family around him had reminded him of life with James and Lily. Despite having only one child, his godson Harry, they always seemed to manage to fill the house with extra people – Harry’s friends, work colleagues, old friends from school or university and their families. The home that Mahdi and his sister shared seemed filled with that same warmth. Inside the house walls, where there were still potted lemon trees and flowers, and where the smell of cooking filled his nostrils, the war certainly seemed a long away away. But it wasn’t.

Eventually, dinner saved Sirius from further embarrassment, and they sat on the floor around a low table and ate. Lupin and Fenno both had children clustered around them so Sirius sat beside Mahdi and tried to pretend he wasn’t watching Lupin. He had a feeling that Mahdi noticed – he didn’t miss much – but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he chatted to Sirius with a relaxed ease which hadn’t been at all evident in the hospital.

They’d mostly finished dinner when there was an awful squeal of brakes close to the house. Sirius braced himself for the sound and didn’t jump when he heard the sickening sound of a crash, although Fenno did, just a little. Everyone was silent around the table for a moment, listening for what came next, and then there was an awful scream.

“Shit,” Mahdi said, under his breath, and scrambled to his feet.

Lupin gave him a hand, while Sirius raced ahead of them both and out into the street, Fenno just behind him.

The screaming was coming from a woman in the passenger seat of a battered Toyota. She was wearing her seatbelt, but the driver evidently hadn’t been, as there was nobody behind the wheel and the windscreen was completely gone. Sirius ignored the woman – nobody screaming that loudly could be critically injured. Fenno would deal with her.

There were several figures lying on the ground, presumably one the driver of the toyota and the others probably from the other vehicle, an SUV which was on its side. It looked as if the occupants of the SUV hadn’t been wearing seatbelts either, as they'd been thrown from the vehicle. One, Sirius thought, was probably dead.

Sirius felt nausea rising inside him but he held his breath for a moment, swallowing down the emotions and memories, then went for one of the young men on the ground. He was gasping for breath, and Sirius felt around his chest until he located an area where the ribs were smashed, applying pressure. The man’s breathing eased and he looked Sirius right in the eyes. His lips moved, although his words were incomprehensible.

“It’s alright,” Sirius said. “You’ll be alright.”

He wasn’t certain that was true, but he had to say something. The desperate look in the man’s eyes seemed to burn right into him, right through the shell of professional calm he’d constructed, and took him straight back to that day in London that he wished he could forget.

Sirius glanced up and saw Mahdi’s sister standing nearby, talking rapidly into her phone. She made eye contact with Sirius and, when she was finished, crouched beside him.

“I help,” she said, a question on her face if not in her voice.

“Here…” he said, trying to remember what to say. “ _Dest… deste… vir_ …”

She nodded and placed one hand beside Sirius’s, a little tentative. But then she seemed to realise what he was asking, and put more pressure on, enough to stabilise the damaged area of ribs.

“I call… call- _ed_ …” she said, pronouncing the words carefully.

Sirius nodded. He didn’t have much hope that the town would have an ambulance, but he was pretty sure she meant she’d called for help.

He checked the man for other injuries then left him with Mahdi’s sister while he checked the other figure, the one he’d suspected was dead. He was searching, in vain, for a pulse when a flatbed utility vehicle pulled up and two women got out. One, the older woman, he recognised as a nurse from the hospital. She was still dressed in hospital scrubs. The other was younger and more traditionally dressed. They began speaking to Mahdi, then lifted a stretcher off the back of the vehicle.

“Who’s first?” Mahdi asked Sirius. “Head and spinal injuries here. Unconscious.”

“Maybe yours first then,” Sirius said, then inclined his head towards the first man he’d treated. “He’s got a flail chest.”

“And him?” Mahdi asked, looking at the man in front of Sirius.

“Not urgent,” Sirius said, his voice flat.

Mahdi’s face showed he understood what Sirius meant.

“We’ll get mine on the truck then. Give me a hand getting him onto the stretcher.”

Sirius nodded, placing the dead man’s hand so it was laid across his chest, and went to help Mahdi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translated only using Google translate, so I apologise if anything is inaccurate.  
> bişirîn - smile  
> dest - hand  
> vir - here


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: a bit more angst here, this chapter discusses the death of a sibling and, very obliquely, PTSD. Also, I don't endorse smoking. Sirius should definitely give up, he's just finding it difficult right now.

Sirius badly needed a cigarette. He didn’t have any with him – he’d been making yet another attempt to quit and had gone two months without one – but now he regretted his decision. He wondered if he could scrounge one from somebody. Mahdi smoked, he knew, as did a couple of the other hospital staff. Just one, he thought, to settle his nerves, even though he knew he was lying to himself. It was never ‘just one’.

They’d lost the young man with the flail chest. He’d been brought in after the man with head and spinal injuries, who would almost certainly be permanently brain damaged and would never walk again. Perhaps it would have made no difference if the young man had been brought to the hospital first, because he’d had terrible internal injuries, but Sirius couldn’t help blaming himself. It just seemed so pointless – dying in a road accident after surviving the years of war and conflict.

But, Sirius knew, that wasn’t what was bothering him. It was nothing to do with the young man and his pleading eyes, the sobbing woman, the pointlessness of the loss. This was about Regulus.

“You alright, _kur_?” Mahdi said, coming up and putting an arm around Sirius’s shoulders.

“Fine, I’m fine.”

Mahdi looked at Sirius for a moment, obvioulsy seeing straight through his lie.

“Take a moment, _kur_ ,” Mahdi said. “Okay?”

Sirius nodded.

“Mind if I grab a smoke?”

“Of course.”

Mahdi pulled a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket and handed them to Sirius, before turning back to the nurse.

Sirius slipped out the back door, looking up at the night sky as he did so. He stepped away from the building, searching for the constellation of Leo. He stumbled over debris as he did so, almost falling but not quite, swearing under his breath.

When he spotted it – Regulus, the heart of the lion – he stopped, taking a deep breath. Some days, he barely gave a thought to his brother, especially in the chaos of the camp or the hospital in Yemen. But tonight, losing the young man to a car accident, had brought everything back.

He flipped up the top of the cigarette packet, pulling one out. His hands were shaking slightly, and he dropped it. Swearing under his breath again, he bent to pick it up, dropping the lighter in the process. It was black and he couldn’t see it.

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK.”

He was scrabbling around, feeling for it when he realised that there was someone there. A firm hand grasped his wrist and a light – the torch from a cellphone – flicked on.

“Here, let me do that,” the voice said in a faint Welsh accent.

Lupin.

He moved the light around, finding the lighter and the packet of cigarettes which Sirius had also dropped and picking them up.

“Here, I’ll light it for you.”

The voice was gentle, as if he was talking to one of the camp refugees rather than one of the staff, where there was always something more guarded in his tone. Lupin stood, then offered Sirius his hand.

“Thanks,” he said, feeling desperately grateful for the small act of kindness.

“It’s alright,” Lupin replied, handing him a cigarette, then lighting it for him.

Sirius took a drag and held his breath for a moment, suppressing a cough.

“Rough day?” Lupin asked.

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes. 

“Yeah. I’d been doing well, too. Gone two months without one.”

Lupin was silent a moment. No doubt he’d noticed Sirius’s clumsy subject change. But he didn’t push.

“I get it, believe me,” Lupin said, finally. “I found it hard when I first got here. So many more people smoked. I’d quit, not had any for a couple of years before I arrived. Apart from the odd lapse. But then… well, I ended up starting again and it took another five years to quit properly.”

Sirius took another drag and let it out slowly.

“Do you feel like one now?”

He felt guilty for asking, but it also seemed wrong not to offer. Either way, Sirius felt rotten.

“Kind of, but I’m okay.”

Sirius sighed but didn’t say anything more. He still felt ill and he knew his hands were still shaking, but he was feeling a little calmer.

“It’s hard, sometimes, I know,” Lupin said, after a few moments, “when someone dies, well… in a mundane way, I suppose you’d call it. Here we are, on the edge of a civil war, and they’ve managed to drive back the Daesh and not get shelled or shot and then… so bloody pointless. A car crash and they weren’t wearing seatbelts.”

“Yeah. It felt… today, it felt like we’d done okay. We saved more than we lost, and that was really something given the state of some of them. And then…”

He stopped and drew a shaking breath.

“I just fucking hate car accidents,” he finished.

Lupin was silent, but he was looking at Sirius in the way he sometimes had in those few nights they spent together. He looked concerned, as if he knew that there was something Sirius wasn’t saying. But there was something else as well – something that Sirius couldn’t name but which had drawn him in. He’d seen it when Lupin had introduced himself, and they’d shared that moment of understanding what it was like to go through life with an unusual name. He’d seen it when their conversation got too close to their families, and one of them would deflect the conversation onto safer ground. He might not know the details, but Lupin understood.

“My brother…” Sirius said, wondering if he was about to regret his words. “My brother was killed in a car accident. Wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.”

Lupin said nothing, in the way he sometimes did when he was with the refugees. It gave them space to say more, Sirius knew. Fenno did the same thing. Sirius himself was too impatient.

“I was a registrar. Working in casualty. He was brought in to my department.”

Lupin still said nothing. Sirius took another drag of his cigarette.

“We hadn’t seen each other in years. I was the rebel, my parents kicked me out and I wasn’t speaking to my family. He was the good boy, always trying to get their approval, worked in the family firm, engaged to some well-bred girl that our parents would have liked and he would have hated…”

Sirius took a last drag on the cigarette then dropped the stub, crushing it under his heel.

“He was brought in, he was in so much pain, and terrified… we hadn’t seen each other in all those years, but I took his hand and he looked me in the eye and… it was like… just like when we were young, as if it was yesterday. I… I held his hand and told him it would be alright. And… and it wasn’t.”

Sirius sighed, and debated whether to light another cigarette. He was sure his hand was shaking less, he could light one himself. Then he felt Lupin’s fingers brush against his, and he grabbed at the hand, holding on as if it would save him from sinking any further.

“God, life’s shit sometimes.”

Sirius felt the breath catch in his throat. Of all the things he’d expected to Lupin to say, that hadn’t been it. And somehow it went straight through him and he felt tears in his eyes.

“Fuck,” he said. “You’ve got quite the way with words.”

He knew it was too dark to see, but he turned away for a moment and wiped at his cheek with the hand that wasn’t holding on to Lupin.

“Would you prefer more conventional sympathy? Oh, I’m so sorry, you poor thing.”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Sirius said. “I’m good with ‘life’s shit’. And maybe a hug.”

Lupin obliged, pulling Sirius in close and holding tight. It was a proper hug, like James would have done, and Sirius breathed out a sigh. He stood, just letting himself be held, until it felt as if he was being greedy. He could have stayed in Lupin's arms all night.

“It was years ago, now,” Sirius said, moving back and separating himself from Lupin’s warmth, but still holding his hand. “But just over three years ago, they brought in a kid, road accident, just a teenager but he reminded me of Reg. I should add that, like an idiot, I ended up specialising in emergency medicine. Because there’s nothing like making a career out of re-living the worst night of your life.”

Sirius felt something then, as if the wind shifted and the air temperature dropped. But it wasn’t the wind, it was the man standing next to him who had gone still, holding his breath for a moment, before releasing it in a slow hiss. Sirius said nothing for a few moments, waiting to see if his silence drew a response from Lupin, but he said nothing.

“After that kid,” Sirius continued, after he counted a couple of slow breaths, “I couldn’t get Regulus out of my head. Every time I walked into the building, I just… I needed a change, so I joined MSF. James didn’t think I was serious, and I think he thought they’d reject me anyway, that they’d figure out I was far too screwed up. He was sure I was making a mistake. But I don’t regret coming here.”

Lupin was still breathing in slow, measured breaths, as if he was holding himself together, and his hand was now gripping Sirius’s as if he was the one afraid of slipping away.

“Sometimes…” Lupin said, his tone hesitant. “Sometimes the best thing to do is just to get away.”

“See, that’s what I said. Nothing like running away from your problems, eh?”

Lupin gave a half-hearted chuckle.

“Yeah.”

“Although I always found the best way to run away from my problems was with a motorcycle. I had one back in England, a lovely old Triumph. Spent almost as much time fixing it as riding it. I really miss it, more than I miss most of the people.”

“You should be able to get one here. Maybe not a lovely one, but they are cheap to run, so a lot of people ride them.”

“I didn’t think of that. I’ll ask, when I get back to the camp. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“I… I should get back,” Sirius said. “Mahdi will wonder where I’ve got to. But… thank you. Thank you for listening.”

Lupin shrugged and Sirius could almost hear the shutters being pulled down, as Lupin drew himself away. But then he paused, and turned back to Sirius, meeting his eye.

“You’re welcome,” he said, giving Sirius a short, much more awkward hug than his earlier one. Then he turned and walked away.


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius was checking on the patients from the previous day with Mahdi when he heard the motorbike outside. It wasn’t anything like his beloved Triumph – this was a noisy 2-stroke, probably an off-roader, cheap to buy, cheap to fix. He wondered about the coincidence of hearing a motorbike outside the hospital just after he’d been discussing riding with Lupin, but he dismissed it. There were motorbikes around all the time, and he thought he was probably just more attuned to hearing them after his conversation.

But he couldn’t help but check once he’d finished his work with Mahdi. And there, leaning against a beat-up dirt bike, was Lupin, chatting to a couple of kids. When Lupin caught sight of Sirius, he hesitated a moment, before giving a tentative smile.

“I thought… well, wondered if you’d like a ride.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows, aware of the kids’ eyes on him. He kept wondering how much people saw through him. What were they thinking?

“Where’d you find that thing,” Sirius said. “Does it actually go?”

“Goes just fine,” Lupin said, with a shrug. “Does it not meet your standards?”

Sirius shook his head.

“No, it’s… it’s great. That’s really… it’s really kind of you, thanks.”

“Wasn’t able to get us any helmets, sorry. They’re not big here.”

“Us?”

“Sorry, can’t let you go off on your own. Not that I don’t trust you, but you don’t know the place. For all you know, you could decide to ride through a minefield, or Daesh area. But you can ride and I’ll be the passenger.”

Sirius turned and stuck his head back through the door into the hospital, calling to Mahdi.

“Are we done for a bit?” he said.

Mahdi straightened himself up from where he’d been rummaging in a cupboard.

“Yes, we’re fine,” Mahdi said, looking past Sirius and out the door, where Lupin was standing beside the bike.

“Go, _kur_ ,” he said, putting a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Just don’t crash, alright? Be careful.”

“Yes, Dad,” Sirius said, earning himself a grin and a slap on the back.

He couldn’t believe how good it felt to be on a bike again. He hadn’t realised how much he missed it, the thrill of speed, the exhilaration of the wind in his face, the sense of freedom. He could feel his mood lifting, the churning inside, the drag of exhaustion on his arms and legs, the sense he wasn’t quite in the real world, all of it banished by the rush of the ride. And, if he was being honest, by the feeling of Lupin holding on behind him.

“Left here,” he said, leaning forward to yell in Sirius’s ear.

Sirius turned the bike, leaning in to the corner. The road in front was long and straight, and Sirius accelerated, letting the vibration surge through his body, as if the engine was inside him, revving and whining and shuddering, shaking up all the pieces inside that had been knocked out of place by the accident the previous night. This, _this_ was what he needed.

They came to another intersection, Lupin yelling _left_ in his ear again, then began heading towards a distant hill. When they reached the base of the hill Lupin yelled to him to stop, and he stopped the bike near to where there was a track through the dried grass.

“How are you off-road?” Lupin asked, when he’d killed the engine.

Sirius looked at the track dubiously. He’d never been an off-road rider, almost all of his riding had been around the streets of London and the surrounding motorways.

“I haven’t done much,” he said.

“Swap then,” Lupin said, dismounting from the bike. “I’ve done plenty of this around here.”

Sirius got off the bike, a little reluctantly, and took a few breaths. Even breathing felt better now he’d blown out the cobwebs. He couldn’t believe he’d gone a couple of years without a ride and thought that was okay.

Lupin got back on to the bike and Sirius climbed on behind him. Now he got to have his hands on Lupin, something he couldn’t complain about. Lupin restarted the engine and began to ride up the hill, driving cautiously over the bumps and around the twists of the narrow track. Finally he stopped, near what looked like the edge of a cliff.

“We’ll stop here,” Lupin said.

As they walked over to the edge, what had looked like a cliff was clearly not a natural structure. It was a sheer drop into a deep hole on the side of the hill, square on three sides and with the fourth open to the north.

“What the… what is this?”

“It’s a _tell_ ,” Lupin said. “Site of an ancient town, inhabited for thousands of years, this one was. It’s not a natural hill, it’s just layers of old buildings, bricks and debris… Before everything turned to shit here, this was a major site for archaeologists.”

“Really? From when? Like the Greeks?”

Sirius had done classics at school but he didn’t recall much. The classics master had been so ancient that he was probably teaching from personal experience, and had spent most of the time droning on about Greek theatre. Sirius could remember nothing except sniggering about the rude bits with James.

Lupin shook his head.

“Much older than that. Greeks were about 2500 years ago. This place… they’ve found pottery fragments which are 5000 or 6000 years old. And the whole site’s older than that.”

Sirius gave a low whistle.

“Wow… I had no idea.”

“This place, this region, around the Tigris and Euphrates, it’s got some of the oldest known cities anywhere. It’s the place where agriculture first started, where they’ve found the oldest known writing, the earliest money, the oldest wheels, the first libraries …”

Lupin had become animated, gesturing out across the scorched plan, his face lit up.

“Why? Why here?” Sirius asked. 

“Doesn’t seem likely, when you look at this, but the area was once called the ‘Fertile Crescent’. It was… well, there are a lot of theories about why it was important. But the soil got depleted and there’s been too much demand for water, and… it’s not what it was any more.”

There was a sadness to his tone, and Sirius could feel it too. Somehow, it made the suffering of the people in the area seem worse, because they’d once been a cradle of culture and wealth, and now everything was desolate.

“Come on,” Lupin said, grabbing Sirius’s hand and heading off down a track which took them to a terrace, from where they could look up at the same cavernous hole.

Lupin held on to his hand as they stared up at the steep walls, then pulled him closer to an excavated area, where he pointed out neatly cut squares of stone which had once been the floor of a palace. Then he led Sirius over to a wall, where he pointed out a pattern carved into the stone, a design of geometric flowers and triangles inside square borders.

“This is amazing,” Sirius said, voice hushed with wonder. “Why isn’t it… why have I never heard about this? Why isn’t it as famous as the pyramids or Petra or something?”

Lupin looked at Sirius, a sceptical expression on his face.

“It’s not really as spectacular as they are,” he said, with a shrug of his shoulders. “And the location doesn’t help. Not exactly a tourist hot spot.”

Sirius felt silly then. Between the exhilaration of the bike ride and the wonder of the ruins, he’d almost forgotten where he was.

“Ah, yes, good point,” he said.

Lupin moved away, and began pointing out some low walls, explaining where there had been a street, or a house, or the bathroom of a palace. Sirius followed, fascinated, although it wasn’t so much the site, he knew. It was more that Lupin was talking about it, and Sirius had seldom seen him speak so freely. 

“It was actually these places that first brought me here,” Lupin said, lifting his head up from the ground and looking across the endless plain towards the west, where the sun was beginning to set.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I came out here on a trip to a dig, when I was at university. Wanted to be an archaeologist. But once I got here, I kind of got drawn in to the bigger picture of the place, the current events, culture and the conflict. And the people.”

“Yeah? Archaeologist to journalist – that’s quite a shift.”

“I never quite got to being an archaeologist. I shifted my studies to do Arabic language and rather more recent history, then when I finished studying, got a job at an English language newspaper in Dubai.”

“Were you always a photographer?”

Lupin paused for a moment, and Sirius had the feeling he’d said something wrong, that he’d gone too close to something sensitive. For the life of him, though, he couldn’t think what was wrong with the question he’d asked.

“Sort of. I… It’s evolved, over the years. We should head back soon.”

Lupin started back up the path towards the bike, both hands in his pockets. By the time Sirius reached the bike, Lupin was already on it. Sirius paused, looking at him, wondering if he should apologise, wondering how he could get back the version of Lupin he’d had just a few minutes ago.

“I… where I’m staying,” he said, throwing caution to the wind, “I’m sharing a room with Fenno. But, if you wanted to… you know… we could find somewhere...”

Lupin looked at him for a moment, then shook his head.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Okay,” Sirius said, giving a casual shrug to indicate he didn’t really care either way, although that was a lie.

He climbed up behind Lupin, holding on tightly, the journey down feeling much more dangerous to Sirius than going up. At the bottom of the tell, Lupin stopped, and let Sirius take the front.

“I meant what I said, Sirius, when I said that I don’t do relationships. This wasn’t a date. I just thought… I thought you needed it.”

Sirius nodded, biting his lip and trying not to look disappointed.

“I… it’s been amazing, Remus, really. Exactly what I needed. I’m really… I really appreciate it. I’d never have known if you hadn’t shown me. Thank you, thank you for being there. For being a friend.”

He was watching Lupin’s face closely, and when Sirius said the word ‘ _friend_ ’, there was no flinch, no closing off of his expression. They _were_ friends then, Sirius realised. For now, he thought, he could live with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to add in the previous chapter - Daesh is another name for the group which, in the western media is usually known as Islamic State or ISIS. But they like being called Islamic State and particularly dislike being called Daesh, so...
> 
> The tell which Remus and Sirius visit is based on Tell Barri, near Al-Hasakah in north-east Syria, although there are important sites like this throughout these parts of Syria and Iraq. The Daesh destroyed some of these treasures during their time occupying parts of the region.


	6. Chapter 6

Fenno was having a hard time saying goodbye to the children. It was supposed to be time to leave, and they were standing beside the old Landcruiser that they were travelling in, but he kept getting drawn back into giving hugs and making funny faces. Sirius wasn’t in a hurry, though. He was still hoping that Remus might turn up to say goodbye.

“You can leave him here, _kur_ , if you want to,” Mahdi said, slinging an arm around Sirius’s shoulders.

“Better not,” Sirius said, putting an expression on his face that suggested he was giving it serious thought. “Minnie will kill me if I turn up without him.”

Mahdi grinned. He’d mentioned earlier to Sirius that he knew the camp administrator, a briskly efficient Scottish woman who’d worked in the region for longer than Lupin. She could be terrifying when she was in the mood to be, although Sirius knew she had a softer side too.

“Shame. We’d take care of him, I promise.”

“You’d wear him out. The kids would never leave him alone.”

“Isn’t it the same back at the camp?”

Sirius thought about it for a moment. Even when he wasn’t working, Fenno always had kids, or sometimes anxious mothers, wanting his attention.

“It is, really.”

“Just… watch him. See he doesn’t burn himself out.”

Sirius turned and looked at Mahdi then. He hadn’t thought that a risk for the young man. He was always calm, always even-tempered. The only time Sirius had even seen him show any sign of stress was during the shelling.

“He won’t say no,” Mahdi continued. “I’ve seen his type before. He’ll give until there’s nothing but you won’t know he’s reached that point until something breaks.”

“Oh. I hadn’t thought about that. He’s so calm.”

“So are you,” Mahdi said, his good eye boring through Sirius and making him feel naked and exposed. “So you know that calm on the outside isn’t always calm on the inside.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Sirius said, sighing. There was clearly no point in trying to hide anything from Mahdi.

“And you? _Tu baş î_?

“ _Ez başim_.”

“Really?”

Sirius shrugged.

“Mostly. I was just thrown by that accident.”

“I don’t mean the accident, _kur_. You know what I mean. _Who_ I mean. You… you really like him.”

Sirius took a sharp breath in. He hadn’t expected that from Mahdi.

“Don’t looked so shocked, _kur_. Before things turned to shit here, we used to travel. I got a scholarship and studied in the USA. At the UCSF School of Medicine. In the late 1970s.”

Mahdi shrugged, and Sirius raised his eyebrows.

“You’re full of surprises today.”

Mahdi laughed.

“I know more than you think, _kur_.”

“You do,” Sirius said, giving Mahdi a hard stare of his own. He wondered whether Mahdi’s comment about studying in San Francisco simply meant that he was aware of what was going on – or whether he meant that he had been part of that scene.

“Remus said… he mentioned that the little boy was your grandchild. Are you married, then?”

“I was married. We divorced. Weren’t compatible.”

Mahdi had turned so that he was once again looking at Fenno and the children.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, pretty sure that he understood what Mahdi was saying, and that their incompatability was because his wife was the wrong gender. “That’s… life’s not fair, is it?”

Mahdi shook his head, but gave a chuckle.

“You’ve just noticed that, _kur_?”

Sirius shrugged, trying to shake off the nagging thought which had struck him along with the realisation about Mahdi.

“We were never lovers, if that’s what you were wondering,” Mahdi said.

Sirius felt equal parts relief and shame that Mahdi had seen straight through him.

“Oh,” he said, unsure what else to say.

“I wasn’t even sure he was… I suspected, but I wasn’t sure.”

Sirius felt a stab of guilt. He must have given Lupin away somehow, he realised. And he was very lucky that it was someone like Mahdi who’d noticed. Others may have been less tolerant.

“You really like him, though, don’t you?”

Sirius gave a slow sigh. There was no point in denying the truth to Mahdi.

“Yeah, I do. But he… he said he doesn’t do relationships. So… that’s that, then.”

“He’s a good man. I think… it would be good if someone loved him.”

“He doesn’t feel that way. He’s made that clear.”

“I don’t know. A lot of you, foreigners who come here, you know, a lot of you are running from something. I can see he’s had a hard time. I think… I think he’s just got to… get used to the idea.”

“Yeah? What’s he running from then?”

“I don’t know. I probably wouldn’t tell you if I did, but the truth is, I don’t know. I’ve known him a long time, but he doesn’t give much away.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

Sirius sighed.

“I don’t think there’s much hope, really,” Sirius said, watching as Fenno made another attempt to put Mahdi’s grandson, who was sitting on his shoulders, back onto the ground. “I don’t even know when I’ll see him again.”

“You will. I’m certain. He likes you too.”

“Really?”

Mahdi nodded.

“He took you up to the tell. He wouldn’t take just anyone there. He could have taken you and Fenno up there in a car. But he borrowed a bike and just took you.”

Sirius shook his head.

“He was just being kind. I said I liked riding, that I’d had a bike when I was back in London.”

“It’s more than that. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“Half the time, he won’t look at me at all.”

“And the rest of the time he’s… well, he’s not normally as friendly as he is with you.”

Sirius took a slow breath, hardly daring to hope that Mahdi was right. But he was sure that Mahdi wouldn’t have said anything at all if he hadn’t been certain.

“So what do I do, then?”

Now it was Mahdi’s turn to sigh.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Just… be careful. Not everyone here thinks like I do. You are sometimes a bit… obvious, the way you look at him.”

Sirius felt his heart sink. He knew that this was going to be impossible.

“But don’t give up, _kur_ ,” Mahdi added. “Life goes on. It finds a way.”

Sirius looked around him, at the buildings pock-marked where they’d been hit with bullets and shrapnel, at the children who played in the dusty streets, and at the hospital staff who kept on caring whatever hell they were going through in the war. Then he thought of the two young men who’d died in the accident, as well as those who’d been killed in the fighting. Life didn’t always go on, he thought. But as long as there was life, he thought, there was hope.

“I think we had better rescue Fenno,” Mahdi said, walking across and moving his grandson from Fenno’s shoulders to his own. “I’ll miss you both, you know.”

Sirius nodded.

“I’ll miss you too,” he said.

“Thank you so much for coming. You’ve been a real help.”

Sirius shook his head.

“Thank _you_. It’s been a privilege to work with you,” he said.

Fenno nodded in agreement.

“ Yeah, no, what you do here is amazing,” he said. “I’ve learned so much.”

Mahdi shook his head and laughed, and patted Fenno on the back. 

“ _Hûn hişyar bin_ ,” he said, turning from Fenno to Sirius. “ _Hûn herdu_.”

“ _Erê, bavo_ ,” Sirius said. “We’ll be careful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Tu baş î_ \- are you alright?
> 
>  _Ez başim_ \- I'm alright
> 
>  _Hûn hişyar bin. Hûn herdu_ \- be careful, both of you
> 
>  _Erê, bavo_ \- yes, Dad.

**Author's Note:**

> The name Mahdi is definitely not pronounced "Mad-Eye", but the character seemed to work so...
> 
> I known nothing about Kurmanji (one of the Kurdish languages) and I've just used a couple of websites and Google translate, so it may or may not be quite correct.  
>  _Amade ne_ – _are you ready_  
>  _Erê_. _Ez amade me_ \- Yes, I'm ready.  
>  _Hevalê te baş e_ \- Is your friend alright?
> 
> I've also relied on internet research to tell me about the region or what it's like working for Médecins sans Frontières so please forgive any errors.


End file.
